Monday, June 30, 2008

Humor: Interviewing the Magic 8-Ball

This piece shows the things you will do to fill space when you're understaffed and underfunded. It was one of the easiest things I ever reported, since my only source was a magic-8 ball (and I note that I used a real magic 8-ball, since anything less would have made me the online entertainment journalism equivalent of Stephen Glass). That, and I asked my co-workers what shows I should ask the 8-ball about. I wrote a lot of humorous pieces during my year at Mania and will post more as they turn up.
The last show mentioned in this article is something called "The Sentinel." I had to think for a while to remember what it was -- a UPN series about a secret agent with super-human senses for some reason. At the time I wrote this, it had been canceled, and was the subject of a fervent fan campaign to bring it back for another season. It was, and then it was promptly canceled again.


Magic 8-Ball answers TV cliffhanger questions

by Chris Galdieri
webdate: 5/29/98

This TV season has ended with cliffhangers everywhere. Is that guy on The Sentinel really dead? Will replacing Dax on Deep Space Nine really work? Is Angel going to be trapped in Hell forever? Will Buffy ever return to Sunnydale? Will Frasier get his job back at the radio station? Will Mimi Rogers' character on X-Files die? Viewers and fans of these and other shows are going to spend the rest of the summer agonizing over the fates of their favorite characters, asking themselves and each other variations of the same question: What happens now?

No human being can predict the future, of course, short of kidnapping and torturing the relevant TV writers and producers. But that would be illegal, as well as expensive as all heck. Fortunately, we've got another means of divining the answers to the many questions this season's TV cliffhangers left us with: the Magic Eight Ball!

As every schoolchild knows, the Magic Eight Ball knows all. And so, as a public service to you, our loyal readers, we're going to go straight to the Magic Eight Ball to find out what's really going to happen on your favorite TV series when they return this fall.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Question: Is Angel trapped in Hell forever?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Will Buffy return to Sunnydale?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Better not tell you now."

Question: Is everyone going to be ticked off at Xander when they find out he didn't tell Buffy Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Concentrate and ask again."

Question: Is everyone going to be ticked off at Xander when they find out he didn't tell Buffy Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Will we ever see Spike and Drusilla again?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

Question: Are Giles and Buffy's mother going to get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

The X-Files

Question: Is Mimi Rogers' character going to die?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

Question: Will the X-Files be re-opened, either in the movie or next season?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Question: Is Scully going to date Frohike?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Without a doubt."

Question: Will Mulder get a new, aboveground, office?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Is Mulder going to beat the snot out of Spender?

Magic Eight Ball sez: Very doubtful.

Question: Will the show be the same after the movie and the move to Los Angeles?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes, definitely."

Frasier

Question: Will Frasier, Roz, Bulldog, and the rest of the station get their jobs back?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes."

Question: Will we ever hear that catchy Spanish version of "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" again?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Question: Will Hera remain trapped in Tartarus?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Very doubtful."

Xena: Warrior Princess

Question: Is Gabrielle really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes, definitely."

Question: Is Hope really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My reply is no."

Question: Is Callisto really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Star Trek: Voyager

Question: Will the ship ever get back to the Alpha Quadrant?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Ask again later."

Question: Will Paris and Torres break up?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Will Janeway and Chakotay get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Question: Will the ship ever get back to the Alpha Quadrant?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Question: Will Worf still be married to the Dax Trill's new host next season?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Even if the new host is a man?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

King of the Hill

Question: Was Hank killed in the propane explosion at the Mega-Lo-Mart?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Is King of the Hill really moving to Hollywood?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Question: If Hank is dead, will Boomhauer and Peggy get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "As I see it, yes."

The Sentinel

Question: Is that guy really dead? You know, the one who died?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "As I see it, yes."




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