Humor: When I Am the Captain

This is another humorous piece I wrote, inspired by years of watching Star Trek and thinking, from time to time, things like, "Boy, I bet that prisoner wouldn't have escaped if he's been guarded by more than one person." I was gratified to find, a few years later, a message board thread that expanded on the list with additional jokes -- though I'd have been more gratified if this had become an annoying e-mail that people forward to each other at work instead of working.

Shortly after this ran I had a series of e-mail exchanges with a guy who demanded that I credit every web site I'd plagiarized this list from. When I told him I'd never seen any such sites, and noted that he hadn't included links to any such sites, and that perhaps any similarities between my list and these hypothetical other lists out there resulted from watching and reacting to the same show, he sent me a final snippy message and then I never heard from him again.

The Internet is weird.

When I am the Captain...

by Chris Galdieri

1. I will not permit my crew to use the holodeck, which constantly malfunctions and jeopardizes the ship. I will teach my crew to amuse themselves by reading ancient data-storage devices called "books", which use no energy and can not, for example, create malevolent beings which can take over the life-support system.

2. I will order my Chief of Engineering to install circuit breakers on the ship in order to prevent control consoles from exploding when the ship is attacked.

3. I will not allow teenagers to fly my ship, no matter how intelligent or precocious they may be, or to which member of my senior staff they are related.

4. If one of my crewmembers has an evil duplicate or twin, I will have a discreet mark tattooed on the crewmember's hand to prevent said evil duplicate from impersonating my crewmember.

5. If a member of my crew refuses to follow orders during a crisis or battle situation on ethical grounds, I will remove him from his post and have another crewmember replace him. I will have my first officer hold a fair and impartial hearing on the matter when the crisis has passed.

6. If a Klingon starts to prattle on about "honor", I will ask him to defend Commander Kruge's execution of a civilian hostage in Star Trek III. Then I will shoot him.

7. If a crewmember must travel to a distant world to grapple with personal issues, I will put him on leave and give him fare to fly there commercially.

8. I will forbid members of my crew from wearing spandex. Uniforms will be outfitted with an ancient feature called "pockets", which will allow them to carry small personal items from place to place.

9. I will have a row of metal bars installed across the front of cells in the brig to supplement the force field in the event of a power failure.

10. I will recommend that Starfleet build a fleet of starships for the specific purpose of defending Earth's solar system so that the fate of the universe will never again depend on "the only ship in the sector."

11. I will call other starships for help if my ship is ever "the only ship in the sector."

12. If a legendary starship captain brought to my time from the past becomes pinned
under large rocks, I will remove the rocks and try to save his life. If I cannot save his life, I will see that he is accorded a proper burial and funeral and not left to rot under a pile of rocks.

13. I will not permit my crew to time travel. If my crew is ever forced to time
travel, we will endeavor to avoid changing history and we will not permit individuals
from the past to return to the future with us.

14. I will not patronize members of less technologically advanced races. I will remind myself and my crew that humans were once technological primitives, and suggest we can learn something from the way less advances races conduct their society.

15. If I ever find myself attracted to a female alien, I will remind myself that inter-species romances are impossible due to physiological differences, and take a cold shower instead.

16. I will make sure that my head of security will be versed in many different methods of armed and unarmed combat.

17. I will have dangerous prisoners escorted to the brig by a team of a dozen heavily armed security guards, who will be under orders to shoot to kill any prisoner who tries to escape.

18. I will install seat belts on every seat on the bridge so that crewmembers can remain at their posts in combat situations.

19. I will find a chief engineer who will be calm, reasonable, and able to speak clearly and evenly at all times.

20. I will replace any science officer who tells me that a planet has one climate.

21. If two of my senior officers have had a relationship in the past, I will ask them to deal with it calmly and maturely during their off-duty hours. If the problem
persists, I will have one of them reassigned to another ship.

22. I will not allow my starship to have a bar that is bigger than the bridge, sickbay, and engine room combined.

23. I will not allow my starship to be carpeted.

24. I will ban pastel colors from my ship. My starship will be painted conservatively and in keeping with the military nature of its mission.

25. I will reinforce my starship's shields by adding armored plating to the exterior of my ship.

26. I will not allow the chief medical officer onto the bridge unless I summon him or her. If the doctor wishes to meet with me, he or she can make an appointment to do so when I am not on the bridge.

27. I will discourage members of my crew from becoming emotionally involved with
residents of newly discovered worlds which are not yet advanced enough to join the Federation.

28. I will prohibit members of my crew from hosting visits from former commanders, old friends from the Academy, or family members, since such reunions inevitably either endanger the ship needlessly or distract everyone from more pressing matters.

29. In any situation where I must choose between a minor violation of the letter of the Prime Directive and the survival of my crew, I will choose my crew and stand for
court-martial afterward.

30. If a primitive society is threatened with extinction, I will try to interpret the Prime Directive in a way that will allow me to save them rather than leave them to die.

31. If I want insights into the psyche of an opponent, I will ask a psychiatrist and not a counselor, since a psychiatrist is a trained medical professional, while a counselor is just someone who calls himself or herself a counselor.

32. If I am being chased through my ship by the Borg, I will not stop to change clothes in mid-flight.

33. If I ever have the chance to destroy the Borg, I will take it.

34. I will require my security officers to engage in intensive, regular target practice and combat workouts.

35. I will teach my security officers to hide and call for reinforcements when they are outnumbered and outgunned.

36. I will not enter into a sexual or emotional relationship with the leader of an alien planet until I learn what side they are on.

37. If a crewmember must enter a radioactive chamber to make a repair that will allow the ship to escape imminent destruction, I will recommend that he or she wear a full radiation suit, and not just gloves.

38. I will not allow synthehol or near beer on my ship.

39. I will not eat Klingon food, ever.

40. I will have landing parties beaming into dangerous situations in alien environments wear camouflage instead of brightly-colored uniforms to make them less obvious targets.

41. I will bring my phaser with me when I go on shore leave.

42. I will not turn off my communicator, ever.

43. I will not ferry Ambassadors, Admirals, scientists, or brilliant scientific prodigies around the galaxy, as such missions invariably result in the pointless death of some member of my crew.

44. I will not permit Starfleet to Beta test software on my ship.

45. I will install shields on all of my ship's shuttlecraft to prevent them from blowing up.

46. If the members of an alien civilization decide that I or a member of my crew is a god, and that perception will facilitate my ship's mission on that planet, I will not presume to question the wisdom of the natives.

47. If my ship visits a planet where another starship disappeared years earlier, I will go into the situation prepared for battle, because if a starship disappears,
it's probably because something bad happened to it.

48. I will require my chief medical officer and medical staff to wear latex gloves during all medical procedures to prevent the spread of germs and illness among the crew.

49. I will have a sprinkler system and fire extinguishers installed in my ship.

50. If a supposedly advanced alien race wants to put me and my crew on trial for the sins of humanity, I will demand that that race demonstrate its advanced nature by providing us with a defense attorney, presuming our innocence until a verdict is reached, following established rules of discovery, giving us a trial by a jury of our peers, and allowing us to appeal a guilty verdict. I will point out that a trial for the past sins of humanity is inherently rooted in the concept of "corruption of the blood," which was banned in America in the 18th Century, and ask why a supposedly advanced race bases its justice system on an invidious and outmoded concept.

Humor: Interviewing the Magic 8-Ball

This piece shows the things you will do to fill space when you're understaffed and underfunded. It was one of the easiest things I ever reported, since my only source was a magic-8 ball (and I note that I used a real magic 8-ball, since anything less would have made me the online entertainment journalism equivalent of Stephen Glass). That, and I asked my co-workers what shows I should ask the 8-ball about. I wrote a lot of humorous pieces during my year at Mania and will post more as they turn up.
The last show mentioned in this article is something called "The Sentinel." I had to think for a while to remember what it was -- a UPN series about a secret agent with super-human senses for some reason. At the time I wrote this, it had been canceled, and was the subject of a fervent fan campaign to bring it back for another season. It was, and then it was promptly canceled again.

Magic 8-Ball answers TV cliffhanger questions

by Chris Galdieri
webdate: 5/29/98

This TV season has ended with cliffhangers everywhere. Is that guy on The Sentinel really dead? Will replacing Dax on Deep Space Nine really work? Is Angel going to be trapped in Hell forever? Will Buffy ever return to Sunnydale? Will Frasier get his job back at the radio station? Will Mimi Rogers' character on X-Files die? Viewers and fans of these and other shows are going to spend the rest of the summer agonizing over the fates of their favorite characters, asking themselves and each other variations of the same question: What happens now?

No human being can predict the future, of course, short of kidnapping and torturing the relevant TV writers and producers. But that would be illegal, as well as expensive as all heck. Fortunately, we've got another means of divining the answers to the many questions this season's TV cliffhangers left us with: the Magic Eight Ball!

As every schoolchild knows, the Magic Eight Ball knows all. And so, as a public service to you, our loyal readers, we're going to go straight to the Magic Eight Ball to find out what's really going to happen on your favorite TV series when they return this fall.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Question: Is Angel trapped in Hell forever?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Will Buffy return to Sunnydale?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Better not tell you now."

Question: Is everyone going to be ticked off at Xander when they find out he didn't tell Buffy Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Concentrate and ask again."

Question: Is everyone going to be ticked off at Xander when they find out he didn't tell Buffy Willow was trying to restore Angel's soul?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Will we ever see Spike and Drusilla again?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

Question: Are Giles and Buffy's mother going to get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

The X-Files

Question: Is Mimi Rogers' character going to die?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

Question: Will the X-Files be re-opened, either in the movie or next season?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Question: Is Scully going to date Frohike?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Without a doubt."

Question: Will Mulder get a new, aboveground, office?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Is Mulder going to beat the snot out of Spender?

Magic Eight Ball sez: Very doubtful.

Question: Will the show be the same after the movie and the move to Los Angeles?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes, definitely."

Frasier

Question: Will Frasier, Roz, Bulldog, and the rest of the station get their jobs back?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes."

Question: Will we ever hear that catchy Spanish version of "Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs" again?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Question: Will Hera remain trapped in Tartarus?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Very doubtful."

Xena: Warrior Princess

Question: Is Gabrielle really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Yes, definitely."

Question: Is Hope really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My reply is no."

Question: Is Callisto really dead?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Star Trek: Voyager

Question: Will the ship ever get back to the Alpha Quadrant?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Ask again later."

Question: Will Paris and Torres break up?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "My sources say no."

Question: Will Janeway and Chakotay get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Outlook not so good."

Question: Will the ship ever get back to the Alpha Quadrant?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Question: Will Worf still be married to the Dax Trill's new host next season?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Even if the new host is a man?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is certain."

King of the Hill

Question: Was Hank killed in the propane explosion at the Mega-Lo-Mart?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "It is decidedly so."

Question: Is King of the Hill really moving to Hollywood?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "Signs point to yes."

Question: If Hank is dead, will Boomhauer and Peggy get together?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "As I see it, yes."

The Sentinel

Question: Is that guy really dead? You know, the one who died?

Magic Eight Ball sez: "As I see it, yes."

Walter Koenig interview

Walter Koenig was one of the last of the original Star Trek cast members to publish a memoir about his time on the show and his life and career afterward; this interview was made possible by his book's promotional push. Koenig's personal web site is located at www.walterkoenigsite.com/.

Chekov's Log: Walter Koenig's Take on
Life, Trek, and Everything

by Chris Galdieri
webdate: 5/8/98

The first sign that Walter Koenig's book Warped Factors: A Neurotic's Guide to the Universe is not your typical Star Trek memoir is the cover photo of the author, who played Chekov on the original series and in seven motion pictures. Instead of a heroic, square-jawed portrait, like those that adorned the books of William Shatner and George Takei, Warped Factors depicts Koenig with a bemused expression, with raised eyebrows and a smile that can be safey described as a goofy smirk. It aptly captures the humorous tone Koenig brings to his recounting of his life and his career before, during, and after Star Trek.


Koenig almost didn't use the photo that appears on Warped Factors' jacket. "When [the publisher] chose that one, my vanity was abused," he said. "But then I said, 'You know what, this really says what the book's about more than any other photo that I have.' There's a little bit of whimsy, there's a little bit of craziness. It stands out, it's different, and it marks the difference between my books and the others."

Warped Factors certainly has a lighter tone than many of his fellow Trek actors' tomes. The light touch nicely balances Koenig's recountings of his early difficulties in school, his constant worry that "the other shoe" was always about to drop, and his early career as a struggling actor. "A lot of the events were quite disastrous at the time they occured. I was not able to see the humor in them. With distance, you know, you develop some objectivity," Koenig said. "And I thought, if I was going to tell these stories, rather than beat my breast and ask the audience to pity me, I could show them the humor I see in it now [and] then we would all be better off for it."


One of the refreshing aspects of the book is that it is as much about Koenig's life, from his early acting career to his efforts to break into scriptwriting in the 1970s (at one point he nearly became the story editor on The Incredible Hulk) and his heart attack in the early Nineties, as it is about Star Trek and Chekov. "It's an autobiography. It's about me. That it is about Star Trek is secondary to the fact that it's about me," he said. "Maybe it's just an uncontrollable ego to think that somebody would want to read this. All I know is that I had a great time writing this, and I'm tickled that people are enjoying it."


While his roles on Star Trek and Babylon 5 have made him famous, Koenig emphasizes throughout the book that he considers his success in many ways to be the result of good fortune. "The point I make from start to finish is that I don't consider myself to be an extraordinary person. I think I have a respectable gift as an actor, but I don't think it's at genius level. And I had gone through all the pitfalls, the potholes that everybody else does in life. And I just managed to survive and prevail in a modest way. I think it would be a book that would be encouraging," he said.

There's still plenty of Star Trek in Warped Factors, of course. Koenig opens the book with an imaginary story of the cast joining hands and sharing a moment of spiritual harmony on the set of "The Gamesters of Triskelion." It's a glimpse at the Trek every fan wants to believe in, despite the public disputes between some cast members. "Everybody would like to believe that we were this wonderful family that loved each other and Bill was our spiritual leader as well as the star or our show," Koenig explained. "It was setting the tone as well. There will be stories that will, hopefully, tickle you a little bit."


Koenig also addresses the subject of the problems some members of the supporting cast, whom he dubs the "Gang of Five," had with series star William Shatner. While other cast members have discussed their displeasure with Shatner's reblocking of scenes to focus on his character, Captain Kirk, in both the original TV series and the subsequent motion pictures, Koenig is the first to suggest that part of the problem was the supporting cast's unwillingness to confront Shatner. "I felt as intensely as anyone else did about the things that went on," Koenig said. "But it occurred to me at one point that, yeah, we all got up and complained about him at conventions and interviews, but I couldn't remember any time that any of us stood up to him and told him straight to his face that he was behaving badly. Bill protests, and I kind of believe, that he had no understanding of how we felt. He'd go from his trailer to the set and back to his trailer. So if he didn't know and nobody told him, then maybe we should have told him. We never put ourselves to the test. So if my position is a little different, it's because I feel that we all hold some responsibility."

During the filming of Star Trek: Generations, Koenig finally did refuse to shoot a scene as Shatner suggested. While it was cathartic for him to do so, he doesn't consider that an especially brave act. "He was not the star of that movie, and this was the last movie I was going to do, and there wasn't any danger [of] injury in the future. I think it would have been more courageous if I did it in spite of what the consequences would have been."


Koenig has had one of the most successful post-Trek careers of any of the original series' cast members. He has, of course, won acclaim as Babylon 5's villainous telepath Bester. Though he only touches on the role and B5 briefly in Warped Factors, it's clear that Koenig is having a terrific time playing the part and he has nothing but terrific things to say about his co-stars and B5 creator J. Michael Straczynski.

Koenig also belongs to the Los Angeles-based repertory theatre company Actors' Alley. "We're looking for something that I could direct right now," he said. "I've been to half a dozen plays or more, trying to find something that would be exciting to do. I like to do comedy, Moliere or something of that nature. Or I'd like to do something very modern, Pinter or Pirandello. Something where there's real input by the director. I just don't want to be up there having the actors move from one part of the stage to the other. I love being an integral part of a piece and through direction elaborate on the writing."


Generally, Koenig leaves his science fiction credentials at the door when he's directing for the theatre. "I don't promote it as 'Directed by Walter Koenig, formerly known as Chekov.' The audience is generally not even aware of me in that capacity. I don't even put it in my biography in the program. I don't want it to distract from the work," he said.

When he's not acting or directing, Koenig writes. In addition to Warped Factors he's had several screenplays optioned, written one novel, Buck Alice and the Actor Robot, and plans to return to another, The Man Who Wasn't There, when he finishes promoting Warped Factors. Koenig found his inspiration for The Man Who Wasn't There on a plane ride home to Los Angeles. "It's kind of a mystery. I was on the airplane and I was thinking, what would happen if I came home and the next morning I discovered in the newspaper that the plane I had flown in on had crashed before it landed and there were no survivors? That was my springboard. One agent in New York thought it was quite extraordinary and compared me to Philip K. Dick. Another agent thought it was utterly incomprehensible and didn't know what the hell was going on. So I've got to decide who's right," he joked.


Comedy Central has also given Koenig a chance to showcase his lighter side, both in a sketch on Viva Variety and as the host of a series of cult science fiction movies. "The money was impossibly modest and I had to fly to New York to do Viva Variety. But I did it because it was comedy and I want the world to know that I do comedy, and I thought it might lead to something," he said. "And though it didn't lead to a lead on an NBC sitcom, they did think of me again when they decided to have somebody host this month of cult movies. And maybe this, in turn, will lead to something else."


"I pretty much live my life one step at a time," he said. "I don't know how to plan in advance. I don't know how to take control of my career in an industry which is so capricious, where you blow hot and cold by the rise and fall of the sun. It's just not in my power. So I just do what I can, and hope that I'm planting seeds as I go along."